Boot in the Back

It's been about 19 weeks, that's over four months of symptoms. 12 weeks since diagnosis. 

I'm doing okay. 

I'm fine. 

But I feel like crying every time. 

I've just come here to talk about the last couple of months. When I first got it, I got it bad. But over this time it has been okay. Mild. Like it's not even there. But there is always something there to remind me that I could any day, any hour, any minute, go straight back to the living hell. Most of the time it's the constant pain in my right arm. Or the aching of my joins, or just not being able to see through my eyes. 

It was over the first week of the school holidays. I was going to go to a retreat up north. I only get one week off course. I ended up not going to the retreat, I stayed home. And I'm glad I did. I spent the entire week in utter pain. Crying before I went to sleep, shaking, and praying to God to take it away. I was all by myself, all my friends were away or busy that week. 

A couple of weeks after that I had the worse back pain, that my hole body braced itself against the table I was sitting at, whilst my body shook out of sheer pain. 

Last night was the breaking point. I had had moderate pain all that week. But yesterday was when it broke. I was doing volunteer work with some friends at the opening night of the National Geographic most famous 50 photos. It was amazing. I almost cried at how beautiful the pictures really were. But while I was there. The pain got so bad it spread right across my body. The pain in my back felt as if someone had their boot in my back and was grinding it constantly. It felt like I was being pushed to the floor by some invisible force. I had a strong pain in my right arm, and my legs felt like they would give way. It was the most amazing night, but the worst at the same time. 

The worst thing is have to look like you are not in pain. To not cry in public. To be brave when that it the last thing you are feeling. This is not a very nice post. But I'm told documenting is  a goo idea... 

But still. I finished making my poster. I got to see the most amazing, moving photos in the entire world. (We were invited at GUESTS to the event. But ended up doing volunteer work, which was just as great!!!) So it was a good day.